I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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