we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
