That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
