I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
