Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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