I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
