Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
