Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
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Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
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Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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