My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
