i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
