you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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