Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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