Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
