if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
