My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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