I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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