ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you didnt know i had herpes?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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