Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
