He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So much rum. So many feels.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
