Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
