Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
