Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
