I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
