OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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