her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
