i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
