Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
