Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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