theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My balls are so social today.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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