Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
