my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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