I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
