two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
