woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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