you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
