when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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