Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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