Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
