If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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