onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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