Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
