Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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