I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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