defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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