i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Randomize
