if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
