You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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