I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
