Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
