Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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