Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
