OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
