I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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