I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
