i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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