I wish I could punch you in the face.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
