he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
