apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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