I wish I only lived at night.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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